


The Broken Boy's Despair

by TalkSenpaiToMe



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Depression, Im sorry (not really since its a vent fic...), M/M, Mentions of Violence, OiHina - Freeform, Suicide, There will be some happy parts dw, domestic abuse, mentions of sexual abuse, secret crushes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-25
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-19 20:31:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11905665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TalkSenpaiToMe/pseuds/TalkSenpaiToMe
Summary: "Hinata is like a flower. No matter how many times you pull out his petals, he will grow them back as long as he has roots. But his roots were slowly taken out, one by one, as if to make sure that he will never come back again"





	1. Toxic

**Author's Note:**

> Suicide and Abuse TW!

_Because life is like a river._

_People imagine it as beautiful and clear._

_They look at the paintings and say how wonderful it is,_

_But have they seen a real river?_

_Or maybe we are all just pretending,_

_That the water is not full of trash and mud_.

* * *

 

 Hinata has always been cheerful. No matter what he did, he always made it sound exciting. He was really open to people and seemed to just spread the positive energy like crazy. Even with grumpy people like Kageyama, Tsukishima, even Ushijima, he was always smiling and blabbering about his antics.

 Everything changed in his second year of high school. Of course it wasn't drastic, yet it still made his friends feel uncomfortable. Hinata Shouyou's, the happiest and brightest sun's mood seemed to drop a little. Maybe it was because of former third years leaving, but after 3 months of seeing Shouyou like this, his teammates started to worry about him. He'd come later to the practice, sometimes even not connected to the real world, looking like a living corpse. Sometimes he'd lose his hope and motivation, making the formation crumble and fall apart, which resulted in not scoring as many points during matches, losing, losing his will to play, to live. Of course it wasn't like that all the time, just on certain days- that were hell for his closest friends- but at the end of the day he smiled. He masked it very well- his usual shouting never stopped, and now having Tanaka and Nishinoya as "higher senpais" only made it all easier for Hinata to fake his excitement. In reality, he was tired. That illusion of him being all cheerful only wore him out even more- he had no idea how others coped like that, so it only made him suffer even more. Hinata knew that him being a social butterfly only made it easier to read his emotions by others. Even if you play as an illusionist, you can't fool the audience if they saw how you do it so many times. You can't be a "positive" artist if you add bits of horror to your works. But Hinata only added reality to his behavior, his own dirty reality.

 

They always say that life is like a symphony, it has parts and every single one of them has a different tempo, maybe it's similar to the other, but never the same. And yet, they make it sound beautiful, because who would think that a symphony is something horrible in the nature of it? For Hinata, his symphony was made for a psychological film. There were happier parts, nicer tempos that you could listen to all day, but also there were those that were going slightly faster each time, not fast enough to notice right away, but you still felt really uncomfortable. That's when a realization hits you, maybe there won't be a happy ending for this symphony. 

Something was always off, and Hinata knew it. He wasn't fond of coming back home, he always felt like he was gross whenever his relatives looked at him. It wasn't always like that- Shouyou used to play with Natsu a lot, his mom wasn't too bad, but at least she was, and still is, caring and supportive... and yet something has changed.

Hinata had depression ever since he could remember. It wasn't that bad in middle school, but the last year of it was the time everything started to get worse. It wasn't for a reason, according to Hinata himself, he didn't feel too bad for losing his first ever official match- in fact, he felt more motivated. Motivation... it's weird. For Hinata motivation is weird. One day he was the cheeriest persion alive, then the other day, his motivation was so low that he couldn't even attend to school. He felt numb, yet he still worked hard. He questioned what he was doing, but he was able to fight. He did not feel the need to fight, he just did without any reason, like a machine. Wasn't that weird?

Hinata always thought that he was gross. He felt bad for having some help- a therapist. Since he had almost no time for eye-to-eye meetings, his therapist told Shouyou to text or call him whenever there's a need. And so Hinata did, he didn't pay much attention to it, but he tried to keep it a secret- he didn't want to worry his friends after all, especially his best friend that was now in college.

* * *

 

Oikawa has never doubted in Hinata's abilites. Of course, he called him "chibi-chan" but never said that he can't play volleyball because of his height. One might say that Oikawa actually supported him the most, even if they were rivals. He wanted Hinata to develop more and more, to get better. He felt the need to toss to him, to feel his power, to control that volleyball monster that was in Kageyama's grip. Even if Oikawa felt such a strong passion and curiosity towards his small orange friend, he couldn't really reach him, since he was in Kageyama's arms, glued to him as if his life depended on Karasuno's genius setter. Somewhat it was true, Hinata couldn't fight on his own in the beginning, so he reached out to Kageyama and they formed their weird quick duo. Still, he proudly called himself Hinata's best friend. They didn't meet a lot- Hinata was always broke and under a lot of pressure, so they texted a lot instead. If they wanted to hang out, they would use an app on their phones that allowed them to watch movies at the same time, or they would talk via video cam. It was something that both Hinata and Oikawa cherished, all those sweet moments with each other. With time, those moments started to get darker and darker. Hinata couldn't trust his therapist anymore. He didn't want him to make any problems to his relatives, even if Hinata despised them. It only meant more trouble to him, which he didn't want. He did not do anything to them to make them treat him like a trash bag. Hinata decided to vent to his best friend, whom was actually giving him pretty decent solutions to some of his problems, but Hinata wondered if it was actually Iwaizumi-san that helped Oikawa with helping him.

* * *

 

He was gross, he couldn't even look into his father's eyes or listen to him. The old man was weird. He only saw mental illnesses as simple mood swings, to him homosexual love was only beautiful between cisgender girls (totally a pervert), he was transphobic too, literally anything you can name. He got far too much into video games, he was also really aggressive. Hearing that old man yelling up until 2 AM every night, just because he got angry while playing games, was tiring. Someone said "why won't you just tell him to shut up?" but Hinata did it already, so many awful times. The results... weren't good.

_"Dad, can you please turn it off?" It stinks too..._

_"Dad please be quiet..." It's getting worse._

_"Dad, it's 1 AM, I can't sleep!"_ _Can't even see through the curtains of smoke._

_"Natsu is crying because of the shit you're saying, go to sleep, old man!" It's suffocating me._

_"You old ass, shut the hell up!" Whack._

_Ah, he didn't expect that. Suddenly his mind went blank for a second. He hated this smell, he couldn't breathe._

_"What are you doing, you psycho?!" Shouyou heard his mom's voice, and suddenly tears started to stream down the little boy's face._

_"That little bitch called me an old man and told me to shut up! Do you even have some fucking respect for your parents?!" The father yelled at the, curled up on the floor, orange boy, spit flying everywhere, his breath worse than anything else._

_"I do respect our dogs, but not stinky fuckers like you" That was it. All he saw was crimson that welled up in his eyes. His face felt warm and swollen, his heart was aching, his neck itching, his heart was aching, his arms hurt like crazy._

_Another hit only made Shouyou come back to reality he's in. Abused because he spoke up, because he wanted some peace, because he wanted to defend himself. Abused because he simply existed._

Wasn't life like a film? There were main characters, second-plan ones, and many random ones that never had anything to do with the main plot of someone's life. But was it true? If there were those people, then the director put them there for a reason. And maybe that reason was to make Shouyou's life worse. 

Once the small boy woke up, he thought that maybe he was actually the bad guy in his own story, because it really seemed like it. Shouyou hated himself ever since he realized how toxic his relatives were.

 


	2. My Broken Self

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Abuse tw

_"Yes, I will, thank you" Distant voices were the only thing Hinata remembered from his first time at the hospital._

* * *

 

 _"Hey! I'm kinda late, sorry!"_ _Hinata smiled and rubbed the back of his neck. His older friend was waiting for him, but it always looked like he was expecting him to never come back._

 _"It's okay"_ _The other little boy drew some animals and stars with the chalk as he talked. His arms were always covered stickers, mainly space themed, and that made Hinata curious, but he never asked about them, he didn't want to make his friend uncomfortable._

_"I don't know what happened, but... my mom bought me a teddy bear! It's grey and blue, ahhh! There was a little book too!!! A pocket sized one!" Shouyou grinned, excited to tell his friend about his little gift._

_"A pocket sized book?"_ _His friend tilted his head in confusion._

 _"Yes! But I can't read it... It's written in some other language, probably English, because that's what my mum said!"_ _Hinata's mood dropped a little, but after a moment he smiled again and handed his friend the little book._

 _"I will have to learn English to read it, you know..."_ _he still took the little book, with a really small smile plastered to his face. He thought that something from his orange-haired friend was the most precious thing, no matter what it was._

 _"I believe in you! Oh, I have to go, my mum's calling me, see you tomorrow!"_ _Shouyou ran off after hearing a dark-haired woman shouting from the backyard._

_The older boy smiled more to himself and opened the little book, hoping that he will actually see the smaller boy again. He didn't tell him that he needed to move out after all._

**"The Me to You Story"**

In a small Sussex village near Arundel, in Southern England, a house was to be demolished. All the unwanted bits and pieces were thrown onto a rubbish heap, including a brown teddy bear. There he stayed for many weeks surrounded by all sorts of rubbish.

It was winter and extremely cold. It had been snowing, lakes and rivers were frozen over and people were staying home to keep warm. The brown teddy bear was trapped under a mattress and was getting very cold, very cold indeed. He became so cold that his brown fur turned grey and his brown nose turned blue. He was so sad no one loved him, he was alons in the world and did not have a single friend to count on

One day, when the weather turned milder, a little girl was playing nearby when she spotted the teddy bear. She pulled him out from under the mattress, dusted him down, and immediately fell in love with him. He was so sweet with his grey fur and blue nose that the little girl took him straight home.

The teddy bear was very much in need of repair. The little girl asked her Grandmother if she would be able to mend him. The teddy bear was given patches to stop his stuffing from falling out and where his fur had worn away stitches were showing. The little girl named him "Tatty Teddy".

Many years later "Tatty Teddy" continues to be a symbol of friendship and love, bringing a smile to the face of all who see him.

* * *

_"What do you mean he's unconscious?! Did you lose your mind?!" A dark-haired woman shouted, but it was a huge mistake._

_"Shut up, bitch! Can't you fucking see?! I threw that brat to the floor because he was being a little shit!" The man yelled as he was tightening his grip around the woman's neck. Once she started to cry, he let her go, treating her like something so inhumane, not even like an animal, just like a pest._

_The woman gasped for air, only hearing how her husband left the house and took a car. She started to wail, thanking the heavens that her little daughter was at her friend's house. She took the little boy in her arms and rushed to the hospital, tears covering her vision almost completely_

_"Shouyou... please don't be selfish like your father, please never be like him, I'm sorry since he's your papa, I shouldn't tell you this because I'm your mother... but he's a bad person, Shouyou, he really is." The dark haired woman whispered against her son's forehead._

 

 

Hinata's room was always bright. He loved to paint his walls different colors- orange, yellow, pink, grass green, red. The small was always eager to do things himself, even putting his toys away was something that only he could do. He loved to wake up in the mornings, sunrays illuminating his face, making it warmer. As always, the first thing the little boy saw after opening his eyes was a big wooden bookshelf, filled with his favorite books by his favorite authors. The book covers were colorful, but still most of them were black- Shouyou loved horror and psychological stories a lot. The second thing was his desk, it was always a mess, a mug filled halfway with cold tea from the previous day, an unfinished pile of homework somewhere in the middle of the mess, unfinished books and comics almost falling down from the edge of the desk, some flowers chaotically placed in a black vase behind the pile of homework. Maybe it wasn't the best thing to look at in the morning, but that reminded Hinata to tidy up.

With time, his room got more clean and much darker. All of the posters of his fav volleyball players and fav bands were taken down as the cold gray appeared on the boy's walls until the end of his days. The only colorful bonus to his room was a clown doll hanged on the wall along with a beautiful porcelain doll that was supposed to be a circus acrobat. The clown had bleached blonde hair (judging by his roots), brown eyes, and a really colorful outfit, while the doll had a pink-ish corset with a skirt made entirely out of white feathers. The doll's eyes were black, looking like it was lifeless, and so was the hair covering the doll's eye. Only the slightly shaved hair on the side of the doll's head was as white as snow. Hinata fell in love with both of these, soon learnig that, in fact, they can't be separated for the sake of their own happiness.

_"I didn't expect your room to be so... not bright, Chibi-chan"_

_"Hm, well i thought that my room would look nicer like this, also don't call me that!"_  

 _"I've been calling you that for a year now"_ Oikawa put his hand on his hip, doing that weird model and making Hinata's cheeks warmer as the taller one stared at him in confusion.

 _"And I don't really mind, you know... you are the only person that never doubted in my abilities and you're so kind and you always listen to me and just!"_ Shouyou started giggling, he felt genuinely happier around his older best friend.

 _"I know, I know. You are telling me that a lot, and I hope that you tell others about it too."_ Tooru smiled at his best friend that was also his secret crush ever since childhood. He knew that Shouyou didn't remember, especially after all those things that happened to him... Whenever Hinata vented to him, Oikawa felt like killing every single person that laid their hands on his best friend.

 _"So..."_ Shouyou started to fidget, he was wearing an oversized sweater and shorts, truly a blessing to his best friend's eyes. But even if he looked adorable, Tooru knew that something was wrong with this outfit. Or rather the history behind it.

 _"What is it? Don't worry, I will always listen."_ Oikawa encouraged his little friend, sitting next to him on his bed that was probably made entirely out of pillows, who would even own that many pillows? Was Hinata a true bird, making a nest out of pillows? 

 _"This outfit, I... Uh just..."_ Shouyou started to tremble and tear up, he loved his outfit but it was now dirty, and he himself was disgusting, the worst- just like his father said.

 _"Shouyou... take your time and come over here"_ Tooru sighed, he only used Hinata's first name whenever he needed comfort. The smaller boy nestled into his best friend, weeping.

 _"I... was almost raped, at the t-train station, I just! I was just pa-passing by after saying goodbye to Ka-Kageyama and I saw someone that l-looked like someone I knew, so I ra-ran up to them and tripped. When they helped m-me stand up... they were just... really strong. They touched my body, they w-wanted to take off my shorts!"_ Hinata's sobs became quieter as Oikawa kissed his forehead to calm him down. He knew exactly what to do and say, Hinata felt like his best friend helped him start a new life, like he was able to be reborn thanks to one of the friends that didn't abandon him because he 'changed'. 

 _"Shouyou, it's alright, there are no more perverts, just think of me right now. I will always be there for you."_ Tooru reassured him, wrapping his arms around the smaller one, making sure to let him know that he really meant what he said. He did want to be always there for Shouyou after all.

 _"T-Tooru"_ it was the first time ever that Hinata used Oikawa's first name. Even on such rare ocassions of them meeting he'd still say 'Oikawa-san', like he wasn't really his best friend. But he, indeed, was. Tooru felt like they've been best friends forever, just like with Iwaizumi, but he didn't have any feelings for his actual childhood best friend. Shouyou had a small crush on Kageyama- that quickly faded becaude he realized it's due to his childhood trauma, so he did not even tell his friend about it, he did not want to risk their friendship over such a stupid thing. On the other side, Shouyou started to develop deeper feelings for his older best friend, but were they actually real?

 _"I'm here."_ Oikawa squeezed Hinata, protecting him from the cruel world, even that damn lost fly that's been bothering them in Shouyou's room.

 _"I don't want this outfit to remind me of something bad... That's why I'm wearing it today, because you always help me"_ The smaller boy smiled to himself, wiping away his tears. He soon looked up as his best friend cupped his cheeks, making Hinata give him a wider, genuine, smile. Tooru's face slowly and subtly got closer to Shouyou's, their foreheads touching, before the older one placed a kiss on the tip of the younger one's nose. Quiet giggles filled up Shouyou's room, only making the inner clock go faster.

Who could love Hinata's own broken self?

 

* * *

_"I should have known, I realized that the little book was actually your cry for help, even if it was before you needed it"_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Me to You Story taken from https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Me_to_You_Bears


	3. The Last Cry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ABUSE AND SUICIDE TW

_"You can't love someone's problems away, Oikawa-san"_

* * *

 

 _"Dad, can you finally stop playing games and help us clean up the house?"_   _The boy asked, already done with his room and the bathroom, holding a broom in his dirtied hands._

_"What?! You little fucker, you don't do shit in this house!" The older man suddenly started to charge up his rage, yelling and throwing things everywhere. His eyes were glowing with fury as he almost broke his laptop in half. He stomped out of the house, just to come back a moment later with a big trash can. He started to throw everything out, literally anything he saw- cutlery, plates, dishes from the sink, pots, pans. The little boy seemed to get smaller and smaller as tears started to stream down his face. He hugged himself, watching in fear as his so-called father started to break everything, the table, stools, chairs. He could only watch, until he finally screamed._

_"Stop it! Please stop!" Tears clogged up his vision, his legs weren't responding. Fear, the only he always felt the most was fear. It was never love or anything positive, only fear was always present in the little boy's life._

 

Shouyou never knew why he loved anything that was circus or theme park related. For him, it was something so spiritual, so mysterious and yet close to his scarred heart. He was never afraid of clowns- he knew that those painted faces always hid something behind those layers of paint, something so dark that only covering it up with a bright red smile was able to tame it. They were, in fact, just broken people whose souls wanted to entertain others, hoping that they won't become like them. Shouyou smiled to himself, he was some sort of a clown himself. So broken inside, yet with a gigantic smile on his face. But how was he going to cope like that?

His eyes were scanning the pages so fast, absorbing in every word of one his favorite books ( _Joyland_ ). In his bag were some other circus themed books, pens and a piece of paper on which he liked to write down some good quotes that were usually darker than someone might have imagined. The boy's phone vibrated, his screen lighting up and showing a notification: "One New Message". Shouyou smiled to himself after seeing his old selfie with his best friend on his lockscreen. He put the book back into his bag and got up. As he walked out of the library, the boy took a deep breath, greeting the scent of the freshly fallen snow.

_"Life isn't a big deal, come over to this suicide circus"_

* * *

 

_"If you won't repair the table, I am going to destroy it!" The old man yelled, holding an axe in his hands. The boy sobbed, panicking. He did not know how to repair it but he did know that if his father would use an axe, it will not stop only on the table. Luckily, the boy did it in time, escaping his father's fury._

 

 _"Shouyou!"_ The taller man waved as he saw the oh so familiar orange hair contrasting with the white snow on the streets. His usual smile got wider when he felt the heat of an another person, a much smaller one. They wrapped their arms around each other and swayed happily.

 _"It's been 2 years since our last meeting."_ Shouyou stated, knowing that Tooru was aware of it, but it still felt so surreal, he couldn't help it, he couldn't stop his tears of joy.

 _"It's been such a long time, but it was worth the wait."_ Tooru whispered into his best friend's hair. _"But right now let's just go somewhere warmer, okay?"_ They finally let go of each other after Hinata nodded.

 _"Sure! I know a really nice place, so we should go there~"_ Hinata said it in a such happy and adorable voice that even the toughest guys would melt right away. Oikawa was really blessed.

* * *

 

_"M-Mom, I did s-something bad, something stupid..."_

 

Hinata never knew if his feelings for his best friend were really real, for years he has never felt something like love, so how should that 'love' feel like? How his own little doll inside of his soul would know about love, if the doll itself was entirely made out of fear and abuse? He was still comparing his past to his own future, how could the little boy leave his monster's grip?

 _"I am so tired of this place"_ the little boy would always say. _"I don't need help"_ he'd say with a smile as his wounds leaked with crimson fears. " _I love you"_ he'd say to his boyfriend, not even knowing the true meaning of those three words. He was truly worthless, he was truly disgusting, he was... he just was.

 _"Tooru, do I really love you?"_ Shouyou asked one day, his voice so different from the usual.

 _"You explained your feelings for me the other day, and I have to say that it's the most real love you could ever imagine."_ Tooru answered with a smile that hid some concern. Hinata could feel the longer arms around him, soon the pleasing heat of his boyfriend's body appeared too. He was always grateful for those moments, but why did he still feel so bad? 

* * *

 

His day felt like it was constantly playing again and again like a broken old record. It was the final day of his own little doll, of his own soul, of his scarred mind. Shouyou woke up more tired than usual, he did not even remember taking 4 times more antidepressants than he should. Once he fed his dogs, he smiled sadly at his own reflection in a shattered mirror. The broken boy took his bag and went to the nearest store where he bought 2 cans of beer and Tooru's favorite bubble gum. The trip back home took him longer than ever, it's not like he remembered much of it anyways. Once he was back, he sat down on his bed and looked at the clown and doll hanging on his wall. There was just nothingness and Shouyou finally felt like he belonged somewhere. The first sip of his beer was painfully bitter but after taking a whole box of sleep pills he felt better. _Another sip, new cuts appearing on his arms, another dose of different kinds of pills, another sip._ Hinata sighed in relief as the bed sheets slowly absorbed the crimson of his blood, his small frame now facing the sad gray wall. When he started to feel colder he took his boyfriend's favorite bubble gum, holding it close to his chest. With a small smile on his face, imagining Tooru's embrace, the boy let out all of his fears along with his crimson fluids. He gave in, letting the beautiful and young, yet everlasting, sleep take him away. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will post an epilogue very soon


	4. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUNERAL/SUICIDE/ABUSE TW

Only a few people were present at the Broken Boy's funeral since most of them already said their last goodbyes when he was still in the hospital. Oikawa remembered in every detail how the boy's body looked like- connected to many tubes, IVs, looking so vulnerable like a porcelain doll. His beautiful golden brown eyes were now closed forever, once full of emotions, now filled with void.

 _"Sh-Shouyou_ " Oikawa sobbed, his little boyfriend was now buried deep down, his cold body neatly placed in a white wooden coffin. _"I still can't believe it, I really can't... it wasn't your time, hell, you were the one that deserved to live forever. In happiness."_ The thombstone was covered in colorful flowers, but even the Sun knew that it can't shine when one of it's children has died. _"Even if your soul was already wrecked, I still loved you, fuck, I still do love you, Shouyou. Seeing you suffer and still wear a mask with that adorable smile of yours perfectly painted on it only made me wonder how can the world be so cruel. It is going to change, or maybe not, but I will be the one to see it, to know it. Sadly, I can't let you know, but I hope that you are listening to me from wherever you went to. Don't feel bad for leaving me though, please, that's the last thing I want you to do- feel guilty even after your own death."_ Tooru was shaking as he put a picture of Shouyou, smiling and wearing a big sunflower crown, in front of the thombstone. He secured it with a candle. Oikawa smiled to himself when he saw Kageyama, he did not want his old teammate to see him like this, ugly crying. Luckily, the dark-haired man just left a little volleyball keychain next to his friend's thombstone and left, deciding that he'd come back later with his own monologue. _"Ahh, I think I'm losing it"_ Oikawa giggled after Kageyama left. His sobs mixed with broken laughter turned into heartbroken wails. _"Shouyou, Shouyou, I'm sorry that I couldn't help you. Shouyou, I miss you, please come back home, to your true home, come back to me"_

"The Broken Boy's Despair"

Hinata is like a flower. No matter how many times you pull out his petals, he will grow them back as long as he has roots. But his roots were slowly taken out, one by one, as if to make sure that he will never come back again. No matter how many times you try to water that flower, the only way to help it is completely cutting it off and putting it in a black vase, leaving it forgotten behind a pile of more important things. Just like that flower, Hinata will never come back, only the unheard cries for help left after his death would still linger in someone's mind, someone that would never think of him as a person. The Despair of Hinata Shouyou, the Broken Boy, has came to an end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading (my tumblr is talk-senpai-to-me and i'm gonna post this fic there too, but if you have any questions or something just hmu on tumblr)

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is highly based on what I went through (and still am going through) so it's like a vent fic


End file.
